Is My Spiritual Life on Hold?

There was a time when I thought my spiritual life had to wait. Or at least slow down...a lot.

Not forever. Not because I didn’t love Jesus. But because I just… couldn’t keep up.

I was exhausted. My days felt like one long loop of pouring cereal, wiping faces, refereeing sibling fights, and trying to keep tiny humans alive. I wanted to spend time with God—I really did—but I also wanted to sleep. Or at least drink my coffee while it was still hot.

So I told myself, I’ll go deeper later.
Later, when I wasn’t so tired.
Later, when I had more time.
Later, when I could sit with my Bible without being interrupted every 14 seconds.
I reminded myself that there are seasons, and this season is for serving my family.

And I really believed that. Like, this makes sense, right? It’s just not my season to be super disciplined in my faith. I’ll get back to it when life slows down.

But somewhere along the way, I started to wonder…

What if I was off base?

What if God didn't need me to have more time?
What if I was missing something?
What if He was already in the time I had?
What if I was already being developed...just reactively instead of proactively?

I think part of the struggle was that I had this idea in my head of what real spiritual growth looked like.

Waking up early.
A Bible, open on the table.
A steaming cup of coffee and a quiet house.
Thirty solid minutes of deep study, journaling, prayer, and reflection.
Afternoon meditation.
Weekly Sabbath day. 
Monthly day of solitude.

That sounded beautiful. But also? That wasn’t happening.

I have kids. A lot of them. My house is never quiet. If I wake up early, they wake up earlier. More on that later. My prayer life was more like, Jesus, please help me not lose my mind today and yell like a lunatic, and my Bible reading was whatever verse I scrolled past on Instagram before someone needed a snack. Or a ride. Or money. You know. 

So I figured I just have to wait until I can do it the right way. For now, God knows my heart.

But then it hit me.

God does know my heart, and my mission field is my home, and he does love the 30 seconds here and there and care about my desperate pleas in between sibling squabbles. 

And also:

God wasn’t waiting for me to have a perfectly structured quiet time.
He wasn’t waiting for my kids to be older.
He wasn’t waiting for me to be in a slower season.

He was already here. In this season. Meeting me in the middle of the chaos, not despite it.

Maybe This Season Isn’t a Detour

I used to think I’d grow spiritually much more after this season of motherhood, not during it. Maybe a little here and there because if there's anything you go through as a mom, it's the refiner's fire for developing patience. But as far as everything else...I'd just have to wait until a little bit later.

But what if that’s not true?

What if the exhaustion, the interruptions, and the constant giving of ourselves aren’t distractions from our faith but the very things forming it? What if showing up every day, loving sacrificially, and continuing when we feel like we have nothing left is spiritually forming us—shaping us into the image of Christ?

What if this season, the one I kept waiting to “get through” (yet keep coming back to)—was an invitation to know Him in a way I never had before?

I wish I could say this was the big epiphany I needed, and I became a super-disciplined spiritual giant overnight. Nope. I'm basically still working this out, but here's what I'm trying more:

I just… started talking to God in my normal life.

• Folding laundry- I’m trying to remember to pray for my kids while I separate their clothes.

• Driving to school pickup- I'll either play worship music, listen to a sermon or book that points me back to Jesus, or just talk to God like He's sitting in the passenger seat. (Which, honestly, is way less weird than some of the conversations my teenagers have with their friends. Who the heck IS John Pork??)

• Cooking dinner- Playing worship music or an audio Bible. I used to never play the audio Bible unless I was actively listening to it, which is a rare opportunity these days. But lately, I've been okay with it even just being on in the background. Random little phrases will pop out here and there in between the noise of cooking and the family and I kind of love it.

• Overwhelmed- Cry. Okay, I'm still working on this one. I tend to cry or shut down or get very snappy when I'm overwhelmed. I'm trying to flip that script and voice that I'm overwhelmed and need a break, help, or a minute to go read my Bible. I'll read and pray a Psalm and go back to whatever I was doing. 

It's not fancy. It's not perfect. But it's real. And it's intentional. 

Some days, I'm barely holding it together. I WISH I had time for deep theological study right now because I long to understand and know God as fully as I can, and for me, part of that is understanding as much as I can about all of it...his teachings, his character, history, culture, all of it. But I'm learning that while I might have to put a little pause on my deep dive into ancient cultures and traditions, I don't have to pause my spiritual formation. That's already happening.

God is already here.

He’s in the sleepless nights and the reheated coffee.
He’s in the deep sighs and the whispered prayers.
He’s in the moments I feel like I'm failing, and the ones where I feel His presence so clearly.

I don’t have to wait for a quieter season.
I don’t have to do more or be better.
I just have to intentionally face Him in the life I'm already living.